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Cassandra
From Ally83@gmail.com:
Meeting at the Starbucks around the library this Friday at four o’clock sharp. Come in as soon as you can and sent me a draft of your first blog post by Thursday night. See you soon.
-Allison
This is the email Allison sent me on Monday. At first, I was surprised by how short and simple this email was, since I was almost expecting a lengthy letter that included many instructions for me. However, thinking back on the essays and articles I looked up from her recently, it almost makes sense why she writes this way. I’ve noticed that while she clearly knows her subject matter, she always uses a simple style which a casual reader can understand, making her feel more like something you’d read in a local newspaper article rather than a scholarly journal. And if she writes that way for her articles, then it’s reasonable to assume she’d write that way for an email too.
But as simple as it is, I immediately take it in as an order I’m required to follow, making note of the event on both my phone’s calendar and my to-do list for Friday. For all I know, this could be something that will make or break my writing career, so it’s best to do as I’m told.
My day at work goes by quickly despite it being just the same old routine as usual. I stack up over half the books and movies people return, assist at the computer center, hush up a little boy who keeps asking his mother for a Snickers bar from the vending machine, and politely respond to any questions Samantha asks me.
And about half an hour before I leave, she asks, “So, how’s it going with that woman who’s interested in your work? Have you met up with her again yet?”
Since she hasn’t asked about this at all yet, this question takes me by surprise. “I’m meeting up with her after work today. We’re planning on putting up my first blog post,” I say.
“That’s good to know,” Samantha responds. “From what I’ve seen of the website, Scrollers is a good place to get started as a writer. Certain blogs tend to attract thousands of readers each day, and even if no one knows who’s behind the blog, readers still enjoy them and come back to them on a regular basis. And since you’ll have a mentor, that means you’ll get instant feedback on your writing and advice on how to get better and build on the platform you’ll be starting.”
“I hope that’s the case,” I say.
“I wish you the best of luck with your work, Cassandra. And if there’s anything you think I could help you with, be sure to let me know.”
“Thanks. I’ll do it if I need to.” It may be the case that Allison will try doing all that she can for me, but it won’t hurt to have someone else I can turn to for advice.
By the time it’s three o’clock, I rush over excitedly to the Starbucks which is just across the street. The weather’s gotten warmer these past two days, with the temperature reaching the early fifties by the afternoon, so the short walk is not only better than it would have been earlier this week, but it also puts me in a good mood, helping me feel more confident about the meeting I’m about to have.
As it turns out, Allison is already there, typing away on her laptop and with a mocha frappe to the side. The place is slowly filling up, with afternoon commuters starting up a line that’s already too long for me to consider buying a drink myself. But luckily enough, no one’s seated close enough to Allison, so we’re guaranteed at least a couple minutes of privacy.
When she notices me, Allison reacts differently from others I usually interact with. She doesn’t smile or give me the usual warm greeting, but rather looks at the time on her phone and gives an approving nod. “You’re six minutes early, Cassandra. Good start so far. Although I know you can’t relay too much on first impressions, based on what I noticed about you from our first meeting, it looks like we’ll be getting along quite well.”
“Thanks. Some people like telling me that I follow the rules so often that it worries them,” I respond, doing my best to look her straight in the eyes.
“Well, I believe there’s got to be some order when working with someone, but I’m not a fan of blind obedience either. If you think there’s something we should do differently at any time, you can let me know. I may not agree to it right away, but I’ll still be willing to listen.”
“Thanks.”
“Sure. Now have a sit. It’s best to stay out of the way of all these commuters in desperate need of a caffeine kick.”
Once I’m seated, she pulls out a printed copy of what’s supposed be my first blog post from a manilla folder. I noticed that she wrote some comments about content and made note of grammar errors, but there weren’t as many as I was expecting. In fact, towards the end, she wrote up, “Well done. It looks like this blog post is all set to be put up online.”
“Overall, I think you did a good job on this, Cassandra,” Allison says. “Some people I try working with talk a lot about wanting to become writers yet show little effort when it comes to the actual writing itself. With you, on the other hand, it’s clear you put it all into practice and have developed some talent. Aside from some minor grammar issues, I think it’s already presentable enough to put up on Scrollers by this evening. I’m sure plenty of people will want to read this and give your first post some good traffic.”
“So, what will we be doing now? Are we going to stay here working on posting it on Scrollers?”
“You don’t have to do that here. Posting on Scrollers as just as easy as doing it on any other website.” Handing me a page of instructions, she says, “Just follow through with the instructions listed here once you get home and you should have your post up in no time.”
This sounds like good news to me. I almost thought we’d have to sit around working on this for the rest of the day. As much as this new job excites me, I’ve still had a busy day, and I hope I can return home to spend time with Lilli soon enough. She wanted me to tell her all about our second meeting as soon as I got home, and I agreed to it. It wouldn’t hurt to put aside cleaning the kitchen for a few minutes for that.
“Having read about your story, it’s great to see how much you’re able to reflect on your condition and how it effects yourself and all those around you. My mother always said that many people can pity us, but it’s those who take notice of our full potential who are worth our time. I admit I’m a little better than others at avoiding pity, but I always make a point of letting people know when they’ve gained my respect.”
There was a time when I didn’t mind much if other people felt sorry for me. When a classmate in the fifth grade told me that what I went through as an autistic person seemed hard, I thought it was better than having them make fun of me. However, by the time I was in eighth grade and became more aware of how others saw autistic people, I grew to hate it when others made it obvious that they pitied me. It felt as if they saw me as incompetent, as if I couldn’t do well unless they were around to help me. As a result, I would often get completely quiet if a teacher thought I was struggling with a homework assignment or a classmate asked if they could help me carry my books to class, only nodding or shaking my head in response. They rarely responded to my silence, probably assuming I couldn’t give a good verbal reply because of my limitations.
Because of this, knowing that Allison is simply willing to respect me sounds fair enough. The last thing I’d want out of a writing mentor would be someone who feels the need to coddle me even though I’m an adult. Let her give me the guidance I need so that I can do my own work whenever possible. And if that’s all she can do for me, I won’t have a problem with it. After all, what I’m looking for is someone to help me with my blogging work, not a best friend.
“But there’s one thing I’d like to talk about right now.”
“What is that?”
“It’s about your sister. Based on what you wrote here, it seems like you have a complicated relationship with her. Do you two get along well enough now?”
This question surprises me. I thought all she wanted to do was help me become a blogger, not be my therapist. I had to deal with enough questions like this back when I saw a psychiatrist last summer during my case to gain temporary guardianship of Lilli. They would sometimes ask questions I wasn’t comfortable responding to, and that feeling I get when I’m considering lying to someone was often in full force. I somehow managed to give good responses most of the time, even saying things that were half-true if I had to, but it was still one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. If Allison will make me go through this again, we may not be off to a good start after all.
However, maybe she’s asking because she’s wondering how this will impact my work. Because I look after Lilli, I’ll have to make room in my schedule for both blog writing and giving her what she needs. It’s a reasonable concern for her to have.
So, I say, “My sister Lilli and I usually do our best to get by without causing too much trouble for each other.”
“Okay. Now, who’s the one in charge?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You know. Who’s the one that decides on the rules? Who takes action the most to get what they want? Who takes charge when things go wrong?”
“Like I said before, I’m the one who puts together the schedule each week. That way, both Lilli and I know what’s expected of us and we can remain productive every day.”
“And how good are the two of you at following through with this schedule?”
“We do it well enough most of the time, although we still make mistakes sometimes. Last week, I forgot my keys because I was rushing to get the dishes done before leaving for work, which is something I usually include on the schedule. I managed to finish doing it, but once I realized what I’d forgotten, I kept panicking while I was at work. I knew my afternoon routine wouldn’t go as I originally planned.”
“What did you do about this?”
“I called Lilli. I didn’t want to do it because she gets annoyed when I do stuff like this, but I had no choice.”
“That sounds odd to me. Usually, it’s parents who make a fuss over lost keys, while our siblings are the ones who give us a helping hand.”
“Siblings can still get annoyed about that. Don’t you have any siblings yourself?”
“Yes, I do. In fact, I have five, and I’m the third oldest. My mom wasn’t usually happy about one of us doing something as silly as forgetting our housekeys, so if any of us got into a situation like that, we would find each other during school and make sure at least two of us got home at the same time so that we wouldn’t have to face a lecture from Mom. Sure, we would sometimes tease each other over it, but we were rarely cruel enough to turn down help if it was needed.”
“But Lilli didn’t turn me down. She let me in our condo, but she still got very mad when I called her.”
“And there you have your problem. Lilli may still help you out, but she’s probably not doing it simply to support you. She may just see it as an obligation she owes you, and any help she offers is just to make sure everything goes as it should. After all, if you can’t get home, then who would prepare dinner for her and clean up afterwards?”
I’m not too happy about where Allison is going with this. She doesn’t even know Lilli, and yet she’s making all these assumptions about her based on my blog and what I’ve said about her. What exactly does she think this will do for me? Doesn’t she understand that I’ve sometimes wondered about this myself?
But despite my frustration, I don’t want to start a fight with Allison. Instead, I try explaining why I approach things as I do: “If you want to understand the situation better, I’m sometimes unaware of the best way to act around Lilli, and I end up saying the wrong things or doing something which upsets her. Since she has a bad temper, Lilli usually gets upset by this, so she automatically starts telling me what she thinks I’m doing wrong and tries getting me to let her have things her own way. I hate upsetting her that much, so I…”
“And that’s what concerns me, Cassandra,” Allison interrupts. “Lilli’s your younger sister, and yet you’re letting her have too much control over you. If you want to become more independent as an autistic person, this is going to be a major problem for you.”
Can’t she just let me explain the whole matter before trying to interpret everything for me? As my stress increases, I hunch over a bit towards my chair, and my eyes start darting towards the floor. I have to take a few deep breaths before I can face Allison again and say, “I’m aware that what Lilli’s doing can be a problem, but chances are, she probably wants to solve the problems we’re going though just as much as I do. Just because you want your sister to leave you alone doesn’t mean you don’t want to work things out with her at another time, don’t you think?”
As she notices how distressed I look, Allison sighs and takes a sip of her drink. “Look Cassandra, I’m sorry if you think I’m being hard on you. However, you’re a grown woman now. If you keep letting your sister treat you like this, you’re never going to become fully independent. You must let Lilli understand that you’re the one in charge, and if she’s going to act like a spoiled brat, she can’t expect to get all she asks for. If she starts fussing over you forgetting your house keys, tell her that dumb mistakes like that happen all the time and it’s no reason for her to behave so rudely. And if you must punish her in some way, do it. You ought to have the final word in all matters. Just because you’re autistic doesn’t give others permission to disrespect you, and that includes siblings.”
I say nothing in response. What can I say? I may not be willing to admit it, but much of what she’s saying is true. No matter how often I try, I usually let Lilli have her way when she’s being difficult. Sure, I may have tried messing around with Lilli’s phone when she wasn’t doing her homework, but I didn’t tell her she’d face any real consequences for how she was acting. And when she yelled at me over the phone, I didn’t make any serious attempt to stop her. I could have made it clear right away that she wasn’t allowed to speak to me in such a tone, but instead I let her go on with her complaints and only briefly tried getting her to change her mind about things.
But could I ever get myself to change that? Could I get Lilli to stop disrespecting me and let her know that her behavior will have consequences? Will I be able to punish her if I had to? And if I do, will it make things better or worse between us?
“Now, are you going to take what I said into consideration, Cassandra?” I hear Allison ask.
“I already am,” I say.
“Well, sorry if it all seems like too much. My point is, if you want things to change at home, you must be the one willing to let that change happen. Otherwise, spoiled siblings don’t get any easier to deal with. And if things are going well at home, it’s much easier for you to put out better work.”
“I’ll think about it. I do think you’re right about a lot of things. It just felt too much like a therapy session and less like a meeting about my writing.”
Allison laughs, “Consider me your honorary therapist in that case. It’s not always possible for mentors to ignore what’s going on in a mentee’s personal life. Because if your sister ever gets in the way of your writing schedule, then it becomes a problem for us both, and there’s no way in hell I can let that happen.”
Once we go over everything one last time, Allison says, “I’ll see you again soon, Cassandra. I’ll be sending you information about when you can meet up with Alan within a couple days.”
“All right. I’ll make sure to watch out for that.”
“And remember what I told you. Lilli needs to know who’s in charge. It would mean more independence for you and having a better mentee for me, so we’ll both benefit from it.”
It gives me a lot to think about, but I have no idea how I can do as she says. Lilli’s always been tough to handle, and who’s to say she’ll listen to her weird sister just because she’s suddenly gotten a little more assertive?